11.06.07

Future Job: A Postal Worker

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:23 pm by Tori

Okay so this post was suppose to be put up last week, but it was crazy as the first sentence states - so didn’t have time till now to finish my photo search - please forgive the tardiness

Wow what a crazy week. First, let us document the torrential downpour of a workout this past Wednesday. I still am continually amazed by the people I actually have met through CAC and have “run with.”

I love Marc’s new hair-do. It brings back memories of High School Swim final meet days where the boys would all shave their head along with the rest of their body hair - hopefully the shaved head will bring Marc more speed as it always tended to do for the swimmers

But, I must say that I did not expect a monsoon to erupt out of the sky in the middle of the workout pyramid. Talk about instantly soaked! I cannot even count how many times I rung out my shirt in a span of five minutes. I had to take my glasses off in the middle of the interval because they instantly fogged up - i could still see without them fine to run (well relatively), but the only thing was the rain was coming down so hard that I couldn’t blink fast enough to see regardless of it was a bit blurry. My shoes have never felt so heavy! - My hip flexors were tugging and groaning on the way back to the car. But, I think the huge leaf blown into the side of my face was the clincher - I just thought “This is crazy, what am I doing. I can’t even imagine running a race in this, good thing I’m not.” and then Joan’s long ago statement at the beginning of the season before NC hit it’s dry spell came back to me:

“We run rain, shine, sleet, snow, mud…we run!” and so we ran. What an experience! But, the bonding team moments that occurred that Wednesday - drenched “wet rat” syndrom, Trish running by on that second loop sans :), and celebrating Marc’s up-coming Olympic trials with a little bubbly and pink to boot! Bobby ended the evening perfectly when he pulled into the parking lot on his mountain bike decked out in his now wet CAC/Fleet feet gear, sliver clip shoes on, helmet on with headlamp attached and on, “honking and beeping” a tune. I love being part of a team, I love the craziness of that workout, I love the goofy, quirkiness of runners.

And Joan really is serious about us rivaling the postmen in workout weather. - Heck, I think due to the runner’s mentality any one us would make an awesome postal worker - maybe that will be my next job - rainstorm (check); blizzard (check); intense heat (check), unbearable, relentless humity (check), monsoon (check) - carolina’s got us on a roll.

*including all those darned unleashed dogs we tend to encounter in our cross country fields.

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10.13.07

Boston You’re My Home

Posted in Uncategorized at 4:14 pm by Tori

Tuesday I returned and crashed pleasantly from my trip to Boston.  I forgot how much I adore, love, crave that city.  There is such adrenaline. I love running in that city and every time I return regardless of what is going with my running, I somehow come to a “home” and run it out. Thus, this is part of what I did when there and the weather and city was awesome.

I did not have enough time to go to all my old haunts, but enjoyed my time there so much that I don’t think I actually slept completely through my entire visit.  I just couldn’t; I was too excited.  Too in love to seriously sleep.

I looked out my friend’s apartment window and just soaked in that skyline. I ran those mini paths next to the asphalt, watching the dirty river water, the rowers,  smelling and feeling the cool New England air and things inside just healed, wholed, salved.

I finally felt completed and content. I reconnected and began to understand or just be myself again. All weekend I was in love and blissfully happy with my Boston.  (Granted I had to adjust to the more fridgid personalities and stop smiling so much at people..haha, but man it was worth it) and now I have a new bank of memories and images to satisfy me for a little while, but another year away will not do! I must feed this love, I must visit more often – my heart does grow fonder, but as with long distance relationships you can only take so much longing and teasing. Boston don’t worry I will come home soon. Till then I will see you in my dreams.

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09.18.07

A New Beginning

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:24 am by Tori

It’s been a pretty epic week for me, which all compounded in the Friday rainstorm.  But, through Friday’s rainstorm, Saturday’s sorting out of the rainstorm, and Sunday’s day for God with a Raleigh Mag Mile spectator-ship (and amazing weather to boot) – a lot has gone through, is going through, and has ephiphan-ied in my brain.

After all of the tumultuous thinking of the past two days, I went to watch my fellow mates run the Raleigh Mag. Mile race on Sunday afternoon and wow! Amazing.  Their performances and the small town atmosphere was so great. I normally have a difficult time watching races I want to run, but can’t, but this time I was okay just cheering from the sidelines (maybe because it was a choice and not forced – kind of). I thoroughly enjoyed be the spectator…

I watched my teammates warm up and experienced their pre-race jitters, self-motivating inner thought “babble,” and syking up; the girls’ post-race pain and analytics, worry, and confidence all thrown together.  I offered support in anyway I could, I chatted with them  and other non-running members.

I stood at the start/finish line and watched my clock waiting to see who would be the first face over that last swell behind the cop car. I loved that I would know this person, I got to cheer for this person. Glenn (Sarah’s husband) and I sized up the competitive field before each “gun” went off, but each time we would turn to each other and laugh saying, “but you NEVER know!”

I think one of my favorite pieces of the whole day and what really struck something in me was observing my coach, Joan, in her element - talking shop with the boys, and girls, giving advice and strategy plans, but also running with her jeans rolled up and hair clipped back next to her little girl encouraging her to the finish line and boy! what a kick Lizzy had!

Driving home from the race with my God music on I was thinking – wow, what a week - and with my windows rolled down breathing in that perceptable change in the weather I knew something else was changing also - a new stage in my life.

Sunday watching my team compete and being there, just there amongst them – I realized these are the people I would miss. This was my issue when leaving Boston – it was leaving and missing those RUNNING connections I had – the security and validation I felt in that world, amongst those people and that is what I was struggling with here also – missing these people – this world that I love so much and feel so safe in and a part of. I understand them, they understand me – I aspire to be better in that, they inspire me to be better in that also and in other areas of my life.  I don’t want to be complacent – Erin (my bff), I will never be just satisfied.  I am a searcher – and will be, but that is okay.  I am a searcher in other ways than the way that Erin does not wish me to be.  Thank you Trish for showing me and okaying that in me.  A searcher – I think it is the nature of a life-long athlete; always searching for something more, something better, improving yourself – it’s inherent to my nature and thus it is also what makes me the athlete I am and am trying to be.

Life goes on. Change is good. I don’t want to be one of those people and never have wanted to be one of those people that looks back at high school or the college years and says, “man THOSE were days,” always reminiscing to other times. If you are always living in “those days” then what is the point of living in “these days!”? I want to live in THESE days and make them worthwhile.  I don’t mind reminiscing and thinking of those great times, but those are those times and not what I want these times to be.

I realized as scary and shaming as it is to get “let go” from your job, it’s the best thing for me and this explains my bizarre happiness: W5 didn’t give me the option to make these times, times worth becoming “those times.” My ex-job kept making me live in “those times” and doing nothing with myself now. I don’t want that. So, on the drive home I decided and accepted that I want to live in these days with God, I want to race and cheer my teammates on, I want to get to that point of unabashed self-security I observed and admire in Joan…

and so as fall begins and the air changes, so do I. I know there are going to many struggles ahead, but I’m okay with that and for once in a long time – I feel happy.

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09.11.07

“Live a runner’s lifestyle.”

Posted in Uncategorized at 12:42 pm by Tori

The other week when I took a much needed rest day (which tend to be few and difficult to do for me), I walked to the local grocery store to beat my boredom and enjoy the cooler weather. There I picked up the latest issue of Runner’s Magazine and browsed through it before getting some dinner groceries.  I breezed through the main articles beginning at the back and flipping forward. I came across a particular article that had quotes and words of advice from elite athletes.  When, I got to the beginning of the article I read Deena Kastor’s words, “Live a runner’s lifestyle.” The article explains:

“Kastor started running when she was 11 years old, but it wasn’t until after high school and college that she became a world-beater. The transformation came when she moved to Colorado to be coached by Joe Vigil. “He told me that if I really wanted to be successful, I needed to live a runner’s lifestyle. There are choices you make throughout the day that will affect how you do when it’s time to run. Only then…” 

Over the past many months, but more compounded in the past few weeks has been my struggle with juggling my job and running: do I stay? do I try to work this out? should I move on to something else? switching will be failure because you can balance this…My roommate has listened and advised me endlessly on this topic while I continued to flail around, lost, in my own sea of life.

However, these words stuck with me. The following day when I went to leave work early for Wednesday practice, but to my surprise had to ask permission and was almost was denied, I thought, “I just can’t do it anymore. It will always be a struggle with this job.  Thus, is the nature of the situation and why am I putting myself through this - who am I proving to? I can get my masochist kicks in running not the battle between these two (haha).”

So, these thoughts matched with the Unconventional thoughts and the Wednesday surprise all led me to finally feel some security and direction in the next life path turn God wants me to take. “He gives us the desires of our hearts” my roommate said a long time ago - I just finally realized I have to be willing and daring enough to take them. So, where and what this new path is I don’t know, but it’s not going to be the one I’m currently on. I choose to “live a runner’s lifestyle,” whatever God may deem that to be.

[And so far the decision has been positive.]

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09.03.07

How Did You Get Here?

Posted in Uncategorized at 5:13 pm by Tori

Working with my PT Brian the other day, he asked me an interesting question – How did you get here? I looked at him puzzled, inner wheels turning. I could hear the birds chirping, and see the light changing with the wind on the pink sponge painted ceiling  – “What do you mean?” I finally asked.
“I mean how did you end up here (pointing his arms at me) – it’s not the same as everyone – to this point – how did you get to this point (again arms out, encompassing me as a person)?” – let me interpret: how did you physically (quite a conundrum of things) and mentally manage to get to this point in running - he meant.

“I mean I go out running…(yeah), but it is not like you going out running. It would be like you casually jogging…” Uh-Oh! He said the CJ word.  “That’s exactly what I’m talking about!” he exclaimed, “the look on your face right now – when I said causally jog; It’s like a kid with the pouting lip about to cry or get mad like I took your toy away – that’s what I mean! How did you get to this point?!”
Now, I realized he didn’t really want an answer to the question, but it really made me think and compounded some ideas I had a few weeks ago, personally, about myself and my running mates. Also, I thought it hilarious that he caught the slight grimace (well what I thought was slight) on my face when he mentioned casually jogging (one thing I really hate and find frustrating) – his catch of it sums it/me up just as he exclaimed.  But, for the past few days I’ve been thinking about his question and curious – curious about my own answer and my running mates – and happy that no one has yet come into my life and tell me that I must “casually jog” for the rest of my days (which as I told Brian would require me to take a week off of work to mentally deal and come to terms with this = depression and then accept-ion).
So, I put the question out there – How did YOU get to this place?  

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08.25.07

And it begins…

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:48 pm by Tori

Well, this morning I woke up to my freshly vacuumed house and a known day of gym treadmill running. The first thing I did was check my email after hygienic things and dressing, and the first one I read was Joan’s email about season training beginning this week. Now, how it’s possible that I thought or tricked myself into thinking that things start on Wednesday I don’t know, so imagine my surprise finding out in her email that in reality my training will start tomorrow!

With the way things have been going (small victories) the idea of starting a hill workout tomorrow had/has me shaking in my boots and basically scared s***less.

(I feel a group of photos better captures my previous state of mind.)

A rapid succession of thoughts pulsed through my brain (not really the first thing one wants to have going on on Saturday morning): Am I physically ready to do this? Can I do this? What pain will this entail? I don’t think I can do it - but I have to. On the treadmill? What type of incline would that be? I don’t want to do that - but maybe it’s best - is it best? or should I go outside? Oh, now I won’t be able to run with Jay’s group.

A whole new reality set in.

Eventually, I made it out the front door into the oppressive heat to begin my day and treadmill run. “One step at a time - literally.” My run was not awesome, but probably the best one yet. I actually got a smooth 5 minutes at like 8.2/8.3 pace! yay! (Maybe, I’ve hit my toddler stage.) However, after my run this morning I now feel a bit more confident and ready for tomorrow’s challenge. But, it still doesn’t mean I’m not slightly shaking in my flats - I’m just planning (hoping) that there is no crying and screaming from my end of the pack (as Trish warned does occur.)

Sunday being a new beginning and day of worship, praise, and “rest” - it’s the perfect way to begin the season

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08.22.07

Little Victories

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:42 pm by Tori

When injured and coming back to running, I have to keep reminding myself - little steps, little victories. Because I have never been a very patient person in certain aspects (especially running) this is really hard for me.  Today as I decrepitly plodded along – I don’t even think it could be graced as a description of clickety-clack – I was upset with myself.  Changes that would need to be made to accommodate a new step in running flew through my head as well as worries.  My low-inner oblique muscles were sore and I couldn’t stretch them.  My hip would sometimes feel wacky and then my right leg would spaz to compensate and then I would just try to relax and everything would be okay for a five minutes.  Needless to say the running was a “working through it” type of thing I was glad to be done with and sad that it felt so swampy, slow – but in reality was probably not all that bad.  About 35 minutes into it before heading for the Rosemary stretch “home” I was plod/shuffling along and thought – I’ve got God music on my radio.  I’m moving at a pace that is not crawling – little victories. Sometimes, Tori you’ve got to think about the little victories and be happy with that. So, today I was able to engage the correct core muscles to stabilize my lumbar spine through the majority of my run and relax my lower back on the last 10 minutes.  The entire run as a whole was not as good as previous ones last week, but it’s all about the little victories (at least I hope so anyways). And even though it is still not right, there are little glimpses that it may be again soon.

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08.19.07

And more PT….

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:12 pm by Tori

Since, moving down here - I no longer have my battery of PT professionals to help me when I’m injured. I’ve had to seek other PT help and luckily have a good resource of teammates from which to find a new army. But, with my current “wack out” I have had to resort to a PT my teammate recommended me to and so for the past month and half actually more like two months I have been frustratingly learning about my body - its weaknesses, maladies, and conundrums. As a distance runner, I was on edge six weeks ago because I hadn’t been able to run and that’s all I’ve wanted to do. I’ve had to give up running in perfect upstate NY, Calgary, and Vancouver weather and give up running in a planned and paid for race - boo for injury.

I dearly miss my Boston PT - Ruben, who i affectionately referred to as my fix-it God. I don’t know what he did, but I showed up and he fixed me and i was better after an hour and could run again the next day (most of the time). However, working with my current PT, every session is a learning experience and another piece to the puzzle. I have now realized a little bit maybe almost all of what exactly Ruben was doing (but I still don’t have someone like him to fix quick). He was massaging out tight, tough muscles to allow them to relax and release, so he could replace my alignment and allow the body to take the running impact and perform the function “correctly”. Painful at times, yes! Much needed and great, double yes!

However with my current PT I have had to learn - a slower, but in the long run, better process. However, a few weeks ago when i traveled to Canada for work and was still broken I had to come to terms with what was going on and beside myself with pain, I went on a hunt for international help and found a guy that did ARI - he put me out of my daily painful misery (praise God), but I still couldn’t run. This was the case for the next two weeks much to my dismay. When I returned to the States and spoke with Joan via email I got a new fire to find someone. Tufts 10K is about six weeks away and if I plan to run it - I decided I must get “fixed,” so i went on a hunt to find someone who could fix me fast. So far I’ve found a guy in Cary who is working out pretty well. I’m still seeing my other PT since he is the key to ultimately fixing the problem so that in the future this will not happen.

Ai the issues of being a young inexperienced, learning runner who likes to go fast -

So, the tally currently is: 5 people seen; 7 weeks out; 2 road plunks; 3 treadmill jaunts; endless frustration and on going pain; the amount of moola spent (not going to put it in because I don’t want to know) -

Reaching my goal of running FAST and pain free again (and soon) will = priceless. [my master card and probably christmas flight ticket home can attest to this.

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07.18.07

The View from the Elliptical Machine

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:28 am by Tori

It is a disheartening view after awhile. At first, it’s okay because it’s a change of pace, you never have to worry about the weather, you can keep up on your favorite shows or for me catch up on my trash magazine reading or some pleasure reading in general, but after awhile it gets old, especially when the weather is ideal for running, the spanish soap opera station is on along with three ESPN’s.

I guess it drives me nuts the most because I don’t feel like I should have been relegated to the elliptical for so long. At first, I was pleased to see the same people every morning. Now, I’m annoyed by the new comers and the close proximity with which they are to me on their machines. The slightest thing irritates me and so I try to drown it all out with music louder than anyone should listen to it.

The happiness I feel when I even contemplate the idea of running is way beyond my usual giddiness to the point that anyone would be suspicious. Yet, the longing for that run that path, the Tobacco Trail at 7am is haunting. I have tried to run, but to me it’s pathetic some (like five minutes) are okay, but it feels so slow and labored and difficult that I know it’s not right - it shouldn’t be like that, it can’t be right.

The aches I still feel when trying to sleep at night make me cringe. It shouldn’t take this long, it shouldn’t be this annoyingly aching. and yet I know it’s nothing intensely serious. I’m not sure how much more I can take of the view from my elliptical machine. Thank goodness for outdoor pools, but still it’s not the same and with a potential three week work trip looming in the next week - I may just break down.

I’m sure many a runner has experienced this, but to also think that I’m missing my favorite part of training (distance) in the summer months kills me inside. I think I’m going to have to just break down and get “fixed” instead of figuring out the crux of the problem - the conundrum of my body movements and changing them so I will no longer run into whatever “this” is in the future. But, I must say the process of figuring it out is interesting. Apparently there is a “movement/popping” in my lower back when I laugh, which has lead us to find that my second left rib from the bottom is somehow the cause of this. Yeah, fascinating! and in my words “retarded” at the same time. But, even though my body has continually changed through the past few weeks - in various ways - the view from my elliptical has not.

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06.27.07

We’re all jungle animals

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:36 pm by Tori

When I see people run, I always seem to equate them to some sort of animal.  I had a running and training partner in college who I always thought looked like a Gazelle when she ran.  She is beautiful and graceful and kind of seemlessly glides/bounds when she runs.  I have seen others who charge like bulls.  Someone once described someone as a cheetah - bounding with huge strides over the cross country field, just eating up and taking down the prey; quiet and feline, but intense and dangerous.

 What animal I am? I have no idea.  Most times (when on a track) I think I must look like a horse - gliding and powerful - a thoroughbred, race horse - made and built to run FAST! (in other places) Gorgeous, unbridled, unhindered, wind whipping, feet clipping. 

However, I have yet to really discover and cement my animal likeness, but I love watching people run and seeing what part of the kingdom they resemble.  Once, at Franklin Park, I was standing to the side with my coaches looking over the football field where the cross country course circles every lap and there were various runners out, various teams running together and college individuals doing strides all sorts of kinds and packs that were training.  The air was perfectly cool as those New England late summer evenings can be and the sun was just starting to set, sending a warm, comforting haze over the Earth.  I stood mesmerized and said, “This must be what heaven is like.” And I thought, truly a heaven and haven with all of us runners, free and bounding through the fields. With that, I took a deep relaxed, peaceful, secure breath and trotted off for my cool down - huge smile on my face, clip to my step, and the wind in my hair.

When things aren’t going the way I want or I had a bad running day, I often use that memory as a visual and comfort.  When I’m preparing for a race, I visualize myself not always as a person, but like a horse or animal - there are no other thoughts than those of freely running. However, I have yet to meet another “horse,” maybe in heaven.  

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