10.10.07
DNF in Chicago
So I suppose Emil Zatopek would be disappointed with my performance in Chicago on Sunday. I was stubborn. Though the starting line felt like a tepid bath, I still had Olympic (Trials) dreams swirling in and out of my mind. Two hours and twenty-two minutes was the time I needed. That would have been a solid effort on a great weather day. In retrospect, I was probably done before I started. An untimely bout of insomnia had me bleary-eyed and exhausted days before the race. Never have my mental weaknesses included anxiety and insomnia. Perhaps it was the reduced training of the taper that did it. Perhaps it was school, family, due dates, all of it. Whatever “it” was, it was enough to prevent more than 3 hours of sleep for four straight nights. Each night the anxiety of not having slept and desperately needing sleep contributed to the downward spiral.
On race morning, I sat in the Top 100 tent listening to people talk about goal times and the weather in a fog. After spotting a large thermos next door, I snuck into the New Balance pacing group leader’s tent for some coffee, which is probably the only reason I ran fast for half of the race. My caffeine blood levels probably tracks with my 5K splits-16:50-percolating, 16:36-buzzing, 16:53-coming back down - 17:41-hey did i just run by a Starbucks? 18:24-flatlining…and then I saw my wife at mile 17 and called it a day. The heat was bad too. But that is no excuse for a North Carolinian right? Actually, I learned that training in heat is different than running fast in heat. I tend to forget how pace goes out the window on my long hard runs. The effort is what matters. On this day, effort be damned, it was all about the time.
It shouldn’t be this way. Great performances always seem to come from within, not from meticulous assessment of pace and splits. Just race and the times will come. I have wasted much energy worrying about times and hoping for PRs that will stamp me as “GOOD”. Perhaps the confidence should come from the training and the performance from that very confidence.
As I reflect on the race now, I think it was just what I needed to re-enter my training with more hunger than I have ever had before. Now free of arbitrary time goals, I hope that my next performance will be one of which Zatopek might actaually approve.
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